“Just the son of man, at large with a gun in hand
A wanted man, so they call me a runnin’ man”
Show me how Lance!
So I’ve signed up to do a triathlon in 2 weeks time and have done no running training whatsoever. Blame the weather, blame my own apathy, blame my reluctance to use collectable trainers for err training. So in a last minute bid to get some fitness in, I have decided to do this WUTM on foot. Please note due to my own physical limitations i have to revoke the anywhere within the M25 confines rule and limit deliveries to within the following postcodes: SE15, SE22, SE5, SE24, SE1, SE23.
So if you’re lucky enough to live in some of the greatest parts of London please sign up below. My only regret is that yes…Laner is still in the catchment area.
“A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y…”
“I put words together like Letter Man”
It’s back to school time with Wake Up To Muff this time as this drop comes with a little homework. The task required will be simple.
- After the winners are announced on Thursday I will mail a sheet of A3 paper through their letter box.
- Each winner will be assigned a letter of the alphabet. They are to draw it using their best penmanship, splashes of colour and flair. Get your fat crayons out!
- When I come round on the Sunday with the muffins I will take a picture of the recipient with their letter.
- And of course the letters are going to spell a secret phrase to be revealed at the end of the drop (Do not worry, guaranteed to contain no malice or vulgarity)
- A prize will also be awarded for the best letter. (Judged by Party Paul)
So for your chance to win a free muffin and get involved in some Speak and Spell action fill out the form below!
“Now we gotta form a crew of mother*******, who ain’t going out like suckers!”
Soldier, let me see your war face
This is the return of our spring special. Last year we had “The Million Muff March” and this year we start to build a tradition with “March Of The Wooden Soldiers”. So NO LOTTERY, EVERYONE WHO SIGNS UP GETS A MUFFIN (max 108).
This drop is named after the alternate title to Babes in Toyland in which the protagonists unleash an unstoppable army of wooden soldiers to extinguish evil forces. Thanks to kind volunteers, we have formed an army of our own and will be out spreading love on Sunday March 17. I’ve been earnestly awaiting the spring, I feel I am a whole different person this time of the year, this is the best way to get it started.
So for guaranteed muff delivered Sunday 17 March to your front door, please sign up below and don’t forget to tell a friend to tell some more friends (#MarchOfTheWoodenSoldiers):
1 in 1 out, no trainers no caps.
“Y’all been eatin’ long enough now stop being greedy
Just keep it real partner give to the needy
Ribs is touchin’ so don’t make me wait
Fuck around and I’ma bite you and snatch the plate…”
See the boy in the pic, you’ve seen him about haven’t you…his name is Laner and he gets a lot of muff. People ask me if it’s a case of nepotism; am I enamoured with with his moustache, is he blackmailing me (does he know about the bodies in the vacants), has he cracked the code, is he The Rain Man? The simple answer is that Laner plays the numbers game and simply enters every time. Coupled with his Cajetan luck this has kept him steadily muff-diving since WUTM15
Thing is I’d be most pleased if Laner never got muff again. But this Zimbabwean will not be rigging an election. The only way we can ensure Laner doesn’t win this time is to stack the odds against him. Make sure to sign yourself up, sign your neighbour, sign your boss, if you’re the boss sign the interns, tell a friend to tell a friend. I’ll even deliver to your dog if you can get him to enter.
So to get a free muffin and spoil Laner’s chances enter below
“See, sometimes you gotta flash ‘em back. See ****** don’t know where this shit started. Y’all know where it came from. I’m saying we gonna take y’all back to the source. Do the knowledge… yo!”
Virgil’s about to unload!
We’re back and for this edition we’re Black to Basics! No guest riders, no guest bakers, no gimmicks, no surveys. Just the raw essence that is WUTM, one boy, one bike and a dozen muffins.
Thing is, this season is a blast so far but I kind of feel like I’m not really bringing the drama in the kitchen. My muff has been somewhat lacking. I feel I still need to bake that one batch this season that will totally discombobulate your senses. Hence I’m going for dolo and plan to really go RAGO in Paul’s Walls laboratory. I plan to make the best batch ever, I’m going to put my back into it, word to Ms Toi.
As for riding alone, well I’ve put some bad karma out there and as a way of penance I need to put some miles in, just like I used to. Sort of an exorcism by exercise.
So to get a muffin next Sunday 10 February please fill out the below
“Headcrack, time to get the bread black!”
Baked fresh like David Koresh!
So…I’m not even sure how this is going to work but hopefully with science and god (Delia Smith) on my side this is the plan. In an effort to make maximum use of my new KitchenAid
I would like to prepare a dozen batches of bread dough and deliver them for people to bake themselves, fresh mini-loaves on Sunday morning. All you’ll have to do is open the packet, read the final prep instructions, throw them in your oven and booyah you’ve got bread to have alongside your Mail on Sunday and cappuccino. You could even mould it into a pretzel shape, or add some sexy raisins. Post up a pic of your loaf for additional props and envy.
So in order to get a some dough delivered just fill in the form below. Peace.
“Keep on, you don’t stop, if you don’t stop baby you won’t stop, if you won’t stop then you can’t stop, so keep on!”
And we’re back like Craig Mack! The Mayans tried to playa hate, but Esteban Child of the Sun must have come to our rescue. Last year we all took a few hits, caught a few Ls but we’re still here and rumbling. What doesn’t kill us will only turn gangrenous and continue to afflict us for the rest of our wretched lives. Until then we can only party on though right?
So once again, next Sunday morning two other kind volunteers and myself will be riding around London giving out free muffins. In order to win one of 36 free muffins please fill in the form below. 24 will be chosen at random, 12 will be judged on best “New Year’s Resolutions”.
And if you still have any pennies jingling in your pocket after Christmas have a look at my boy’s just giving page:
“No, instead, there’s a pole. It requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting … It’s made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio.”
Founding Father Frank Costanza with the sacrosant Aluminium Pole of Festivus
Wake Up To Muff 30 is upon us and coinciding with it is the religious season of Festivus. For those uninitiated with this holiest of holidays it was first proposed by the least benevolent Frank Costanza way back in 1997. Its basic tenants can be found here and amongst them the most important, “The Airing of Grievances” and “The Feats of Strength”.
To celebrate Festivus this year we’ll be fulfilling our feats of strength by delivering 36 muffins. Thankfully I will be getting a lot of help from some really awesome helpers (Poppy, Dom, Jake & Becky – WUTM don’t believe in the slavery of elves). So to get a free muffin delivered to your front door on the morning of Sunday 9 December fill in the form below. And don’t forget to Air Your Grievances!!
“Howdy Jakes, Starks is back!”
In The Lab, Making Muff
So the summer hiatus went on a little longer than usual. Don’t think I didn’t want to come back earlier but I kind of got caught up in the mix of regular life. Not that I achieved much with my time off either. Grew my hair, gained a little weight, attempted and dropped the ball on a couple of relationships, co-produced another film, moved house, increased my Rap Genius IQ and watched the entire series of The Mysterious Cities of Gold (young heads need to apply). But now it’s back to the muff and I’m pretty hyped to be at it again.
The format remains the same. Fill in the form below. Next Thursday I’ll pick and inform 12 random recipients for Sunday 18 November delivery between 8 am and 11 am. Muffin recipe to be decided some time this week, nothing controversial.
“The sky is high, the cloud is low but my water technique is hard to beat…”
Getting high off my own supply!
Managed to get my filthy hands on an illicit stash of nuun, that I’m working through quick, fast and in a hurry. Anyone’s who’s ever asked me for tips about long distance cycling will know that nuun is the first recommendation I give. I never ride fast, but I do ride long (not a euphemism, I’m crap in bed) and nuun has come to rescue on my numerous multi-day tours. Not sure about the science behind it, but hey I guess it has some mad isotonic shit that keeps thirst and more importantly cramps at bay. I like that it’s got no caffeine or sugar in it, so I can drink it at my desk instead of squash.
Now my only issue up until now was that only one flavour of nuun was palatable before, orange and ginger. Nuun have recently rebranded and have since discontinued orange and ginger. They must have been keeping their ear to the streets and feedback because the new catalogue of flavours is stupid delish! So far tri-berry is my favourite but lemon tea has it going on too.